Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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