awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
