We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
