sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Randomize
