if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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