I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
