I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
