I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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