im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
