I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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