My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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