He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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