I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
