I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
