If i come over, it means nothing
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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