Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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