Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
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You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
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we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
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