hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
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