Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
