The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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