Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
