I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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