I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
