I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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