Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
so let's talk penis.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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