I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
