yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
