I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
