just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She bit a glass in half.
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I was the one passing out cake at the bars
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
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I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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