Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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