So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
