To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
