Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
