I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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