I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
