If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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