my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
