If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
