I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
