I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
