Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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