I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
