I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
