The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
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she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
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The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.