it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
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You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
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Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice