either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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