Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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