I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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