Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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