My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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