Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
