She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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