I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
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someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Everclear isn't food dammit
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
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