Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
