I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
