Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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