: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
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